The Handover (lol geddit)
by HodorSavedMyCattle
Summary: This is a tale of love, betrayal, and hands. I shan't say another word, because ambiguity implies discretion and thus mystery is created. So go read the story pls.
1. Chapter 1 - A MEDIOCRE BEGINNING

Alright, so there's this huge ass fantasy world, right. Shit's real tight. Bitches getting murdered left and right, fuckin' dragons flying around, all these other mythical creatures just chillin', all these wars going down and giant ass explosions and that, and all this other shit.

And in this here fantasy world (which is called Westeros, by the way), there are all these kingdoms and families. One such family was the Lannisters. These dudes were massive dicks, right. Too busy being stuck up twats and fucking their close relatives to do non-dickish things, we are led to believe. But this one dude from the Lannisters is not a dick. This dude is Tyrion, and he's a kickass dwarf. Not a generic fantasy universe dwarf; he has nary a beard nor a battle-axe. But he does have a shit tonne of sass and he bludgeoned a guy to death with a shield this one kneecaps are never safe when it comes to this dude.

And Tyrion has these bros, right. There's his homie Bronn, who is singlehandedly the coolest motherfucker without even needing to try. He's like, the kind of person who would wear leather jackets and sunglasses. He doesn't wear either of these things, on account of them not being prevalent in Westeros. But nevermind. And then there's Podrick, who's like the baby of the group. But Tyrion and Bronn are the greatest wingmen you ever did see, so he got shanghaied into the squad of cool dudes after getting hooked up with like three happy hookers.

BUT THEN (and this is where the story stops being canon and spirals into whatever the fuck I want it to end up as), SHIT WENT DOWN, IN ONE FATEFUL NIGHT. WHICH I SHALL NOW WRITE ABOUT.

~THE HANDOVER~

(LOL, GETTIT, LIKE THE HANGOVER, EXCEPT WITH HANDS AND SHIT)

CHAPTER 1

Okay, so you know those three guys that I just told y'all about? Well, let's pretend there was a fourth one. Because there was! And his name was Jaime Lannister, first class bellend and his name is one apostrophe away from being French for 'I like', except it's ironic because you don't like him very much. But I digress. He's not a main dude in the group of bros, but he's a dude nonetheless, and he'll function as our plot device for the time being. Kinda like Tim Johnson from 'To Kill A Mockingbird' who was only there to produce character development in Atticus Finch (go hard or go home motherfuckers).

So what happens is that after King Bellend (also known as 'he who shall not be named, but we can tell you that his name sounds ever so slightly like "banoffee pie") came down with a sudden case of the death, the rich cunts had a secret party. Except it wasn't all that secret, as rich people are really shit as subtly on account of them having massive egos and a shit tonne of wonga. There was drinking, there was casual murder, there was drunken banter, there was drinking, there was the brief reappearance of everyone's favourite dance master Syrio Forel from the dead, there was the quick murder of Syrio Forel after everyone got too pissed off at him for beating them one too many times on Dance Dance Revolution, and of course, there was drinking. Shit was kickin'.

The very next morning, Tyrion woke up amongst the piles of whores and oatmeal (don't question it dude), and then he looked around at the figures sprawled out beside him. There was Bronn, there was Podrick, and there was Jai-

HOLY SHIT, THERE WAS NONE OF THE EXPECTED JAIME! WHAT THE DICKS?!

And Tyrion was all like 'OH SHIT, WHERE'S HE BUGGERED OFF TO?'

And Bronn was all like 'FUCK THE JAIME, HE HAD A FUCKIN' GOLDEN HAND! SHIT'S PRICEY!'

And Podrick was gonna make some sort of beneficial contribution that could have stopped the unorthodox shit that would inevitably unfold, but he was hungover and had morning wood, and so said nothing.

'SHIT DUDE, WE GOTTA GO ON AN UNORTHODOX ESCAPADE!' said Tyrion, thus fulfilling the bullshit prophecy and introducing a plot after a whole chapter. Bronn no doubt said something witty, but I am not a good author and so cannot think of anything. But fuck it dude, I ain't no George R R Martin. END OF CHAPTER 1, HIT THE FUCKIN DECK, CONTAIN YOUR ANUS AS CHAPTER 2 IS INCOMING BITCHES.


	2. Chapter 2 - FUCK THE CHARACTER LIMIT

CHAPTER 2 ALL UP IN THIS JOINT

SPECIAL FANGZZ (GETTIT COZ IM GOFFIK) 2 EVILGURLWHATEVERTHEFUCK, IT'S YOUR SUPPORT THAT KEEPS US GOING LEL

CHAPTER 2 - ELECTRIC BOOGABATTLE TENDENCY

(Also, let's just say that from this point forth, the timeline is set between episodes 2 and 3, because Cersei got totally wankered and decided to have a sleep for an currently undetermined amount of time, thus rendering Tyrion totally not in jail! Like, shit son, we had to think about this for like a whole five minutes, cut us some slack here, jeez son like shiiieeet.)

So you may recall that our brave and tenacious adventuring party has set out on an adventure through time and space (or at least across Westeros or maybe Essos if I care enough to research this shit). But no sooner had they set off, they'd already encountered trouble! And that trouble came in the form of a relatively old dude with coolish facial hair! A.k.a. Charles Dance, also sometimes known as Tywin Lannistoo.

And Tywin was all like 'Yoo, bitches, it is I! The sassiest guy in Westeros! And now allow me to sass you right the fuck up!'

But then Tyrion was all like 'Yoo Daddio~ we ain't lookin' for no trouble, we's just goin' on a magical quest because shit went down yesterday! We gotta go's find the son that you care about!'

Tywin looked at him with such an abnormal amount of sass that Tyrion just might have shat himself with fear right then and there. Perhaps Bronn would have made a funny comment involving a pun on shit, like 'Wow dude, that sass was shit,' but I don't even know dude. Podrick looked on; his morning wood was going cold, but he feared that soon he would have to go through… MOURNING wood. Because, y'know, death. Shut up, I'm good at this shit. Oh, oh, if Bronn knew that Podrick had morning wood, he would have made a joke about that. Maybe even going as far to say that he may produce a PODDLE of spunk on the floor.

BUT ALSO.

AFTER THAT SHIT.

CHARLES DANCE WAS ALL LIKE 'AIGHT.'

Because Charles Dance is a pretty cool guy.

I once got him to sign my copy of 'The Sound of Music'.

True story.

It's not.

Not even slightly similar to 'The Sound of Music', soon after leaving King's Landing, the trio encountered a group of NAZIS.

MEDIEVAL NAZIS, MIND.

WE'VE GOT A SERIOUS STORY GOING ON HERE. CAN'T GO MIXING UP GENRES, THAT'D BE MIGHTY IRRESPONSIBLE AND ILLOGICAL.

But anyway, these nazis (MEDIEVAL NAZIS) were all like 'Hey, are you guys… JEWS?! Because we're against Jews, for some reason.'

But then Podrick was like 'YOU SCALLYWAGS, YOU ARE MERELY USING THE JEWS AS A SCAPEGOAT TO COVER UP YOUR VILLAINY! YOU SWINES!'

The nazis (MEDIEVAL NAZIS) cursed, knowing that their diabolical plan had been foiled. But then, like all good nazis (MEDIEVAL NAZIS), they decided to settle the debate with a DANCE OFF!

The nazis (SPACE NAZ- WAIT, MEDIEVAL NAZIS) were good, as they'd spent their designated evil-doing time… learning how to dance. But luckily, Bronn had a trick up his sleeve. LITERALLY. IT WAS A GUN. BOOM FUCKITY BOOM. FUCK YOUR PUSSY ASS DANCE OFF.

The ghost of Syrio Forel looked down with a sad face, knowing in his heart that one day he would be needed. This was not that time.

Tyrion, who had been totes spooked by the scenario at hand, mainly because this is Westeros and thus guns were not invented, pointed out this to the writer.

It was at this point where you actually re-read it, and realise that it said 'CROSSBOW.' Do it. And if I hear one word out of yo bitch mouth that it doesn't, then you're in for a big can off whoop-ass.

Podrick tried to be relevant. And failed, as his mourning wood had come on full force, and he had to substitute having a well thought out character for lots of boner jokes.

(In case you haven't realised, this will be our joke with Podrick. Stay tuned, folks.)

CHAPTER THREE WILL BE COMING WHENEVER THE FUCKING DOG GIVES BACK MY LAPTOP.

WOOF WOOF WOOF

OI FAK OFF M8


	3. Chapter 3 - THE DAWN OF THE PIG

CHAPTER 3 - THE DOG GAVE BACK THE LAPTOP

So I tackled my dog to the floor and I think I broke it's heart, but don't worry, I got the laptop back. Survival of the fittest, bitch.

BUT ANYWAYS

Shit went down like funky town, except minus the funk and plus the death and violence and Bronn. Also minus the spa- medieval nazis, as they ran the fuck away on account of death occurring, and death is too spooky for even the most nazi-ish of the nazis.

The duo who weren't psychotic gu- crossbow wielders agreed that whilst the antics that they just witnessed were all like 'woooaah, what the shit', they'd ignore it on account of the fact that chillin' with a cunt with a crossbow was better than dying via the hands of the super spooky nazis.

AND SO THE BULLSHIT JOURNEY CONTINUES.

But then, deus ex machina number whatever-the-fuck bursts from the shrubbery in the form of a super spooky antagonistic dude. Imagine, for a second, the spookiest thing you can imagine, except not quite a skeleton, BUT YET MANY A TIMES MORE SPOOKY. This is a somewhat adequate level of spookiness regarding the visage of this here character. He is our antagonist, and his identity will remain a mystery, on account of two things; one, keeping an enigma is a useful asset to any story, and two… we haven't thought about who the fuck it is yet. But sssh, you didn't hear shit.

This dude looked at the trio, with a gaze so totes spooky that the trio might have just pooped in their medieval pants. The dude cackled in a shrill tone, and said to the three 'AMBIGUOUS DIALOGUE REGARDING THE OBJECTIVE THAT YOU STRIVE FOR.' Or something to that effect. Podrick thought to himself 'Oh how very convenient. Perhaps it is too convenient to be true. Maybe I should say something that could help to avoid any zany aftermaths that may occur if the others follow his advice.' However, assuming that Podrick's inner mind workings work at roughly the same speed as I can type, he was sitting there being all pensive like for like a whole 20 seconds, and in that time, Tyrion and Bronn had already fucked everything. But what did they say? Well, I guess we'll never know, but we do know that it was accompanied with incessant swearing, a flying kick to the face at some point, and a foreboding ass thunderstorm that totes electrified everything. Also some sheep at some point, but this is unrelated to the event at hand.

Long story short, the spooky dude was staring at them with contempt, despite the fact that his face was shielded, and so from the trio's perspective, he could have been gurning at them underneath the hood for all they knew. But you as the reader know that he was totally angry and that, on account of the untold bullshit antics that occurred moments ago regarding the flying kicks and sheep and shit. And so do you know what he did?

Well, no, you probably don't. I didn't expect you to, you're not psychic.

But what happened was… the spooky dude waved his arms in a complex motion, and perhaps did like a fancy routine or something, I dunno. But the main thing is that this unorthodox routine caused the vastly unexpected turn of Tyrion's hand being turned into a pig! Not like just the hand of a pig, but like, a full pig latched onto the end of his arm. Shit's all like cumbersome and that. And it's a living pig, mind. Not some half-assed dead pig or a narcoleptic pig or whatever the fuck. A fully functioning big-ass pig on the end of his arm.

In the mass confusion that followed between the duo, the spooky dude had high-tailed it into the night (it's night by the way). After taking out some angst on a disconcerted tree, the trio plundered on. Or should I say the quad? Or maybe I shouldn't.

BUT THEN.

SHIT HAPPENED.

REGARDING SYRIO FOREL.

BECAUSE HE NEEDED TO BE IN THIS CHAPTER FOR SOME BULLSHIT REASON.

So they went to a well someplace in the somewhere, and Podrick, knowing that the swamp men needed some money on account of them lacking a proper economy in the swamps, threw a penny down into the swamp, believing that it would drift down to help the swamp men. Unbeknownst to them, Syrio Forel, bound by the bullshit contracts of the undead, was forced to wait for an obligatory unorthodox antic to go down to allow himself to materialise in the mortal plane. And he was all like 'Fraands, you must listen to me! What you are looking for is in the east! And if you don't get rid of that pig hand after four days, it'll engulf your entire arm, and you'll be left with a permanent pig arm for all eternity, or at least until you cut the bastard thing off! If you need help, just go to a man from Braavos and say the words 'Valar Morpigis', and help will come!' Unfortunately for Syrio Forel, the pig was oinking very loudly and obnoxiously for the important parts of his monologue. Being the forward thinking type, Tyrion decided to remember the words that Syrio had said, which luckily for him were the important help-summoning pig-related words. Bronn decided that he was going to shank the ghost right in the gibbles, but Syrio had already dissipated and currently resides in Podrick's inner hippocampus, waiting for the right moment to reveal himself.

CHAPTER 4 WILL ARRIVE IN DUE TIME. MOST LIKELY NEXT WEEK. IT MAY INCLUDE SER POUNCE, BECAUSE HE IS THE BEST CHARACTER. THEY MAY ALSO BE A BABY WHITE WALKER NURSERY, ACCOMPANIED WITH SER POUNCE. AWAIT THIS SHIT WITH BAITED BREATH, CLENCH YOUR BUTT CHEEKS UNTIL THEY'RE AT BREAKING POINT, AND BUCKLE YOUR GENITALIA OF CHOICE, AS IT'LL BE SOMEWHAT MEDIOCRE.


	4. Chapter 4 - PETROL STATIONS AND PIGS

CHAPTER 4 - PETROL STATIONS AND PIGS

SPECIAL THANKS TO 'THELORDBERIC' FOR THE NEW PICTURE

GO AND CHECK OUT THAT GUYS SHIT

OH WAIT, IT HASNT BEEN PUT UP YET

WELL GO AND LOOK AT HIS STUFF FOR SPECIAL SPOILERS

LOOK AT THAT THERE SIBILANCE

The pig pondered to itself. What is the meaning of it all? it thought. What is the meaning behind this futile existence? Is all to life being lugged around by a dwarf, accompanied by an introvert and an asshole? Then again, who am I to judge people? I am merely just a arm-pig; not even a land-pig, with functioning legs and its own free will. My life is a constant trail of mundanity and absurdity that I have no hope of escaping from, and it shall remain like this for the rest of eternity. I am helpless to stop the inevitable, and in the great cosmic picture, I am merely a pawn. A small, pathetic swine-like pawn, but a pawn nonetheless. Whether it be fate or destiny deciding my future, I can be assured that it can't be good news for me.

It would have said this out loud, were it not for the fact that it was a pig, and it could merely oink.

Meanwhile, Tyrion and Co. had more important shit to be getting on than worrying about philosophical pig banter. They had to head to Essos, and perhaps find a man from Braavos. Unfortunately, they had found themselves in ESSO, the petrol station. And the man standing behind the counter wasn't actually a man at all. It was in fact Ser Pounce, who takes time out of his ordinary regime of being petted by Tomin and occasionally Natalie Dorner to work in a petrol station and eat whatever food they have lying around. So, like, peanuts and shit. Ser Pounce greeted them all as they walked in. 'Evenin' all' he said, in a Cockney accent. The trio were not fazed by the fact that Ser Pounce had demonstrated the ability to talk; on the contrary, they would have been more surprised if he hadn't talked. If things have been fucking normal for once, it'd have scared the shit out of them. Westeros has more talking animals than fucking Narnia, apparently. (Also, I just thought that there could be a Narnia parody where everyone is a war veteran; it'd be called Viet-Narnia. Lel. Another fan fiction for another time).

BUT ANYWAY

Bronn responded to Ser Pounce with something along the lines of 'We're not doing badly Ser Pounce, but we appear to not be in Essos. Rather, we are in ESSO, the petrol station. We appear to have made a mistake, but whilst Podrick's buying some peanuts, could you please direct us in the general direction of Essos?' Except he was probably a lot more informal, and possibly had some hilarious joke to make regarding cats and/or petrol stations. Something along the lines of… 'If all pussies could talk like you, then I'd be in a… petrol station.' Except funny.

Ser Pounce licked his face with his agile cat tongue and responded with 'I wouldn't know, on account of me being a Friar Tuck-ing cat.'

MEANWHILE

Podrick had gone to the peanut aisle, in search of his peanut salvation. There were many peanuts to choose from, including Nobby's Nuts and KP Peanuts. But then (Deus Ex Machina inbound), Podrick spots a packet of peanuts with a label saying 'Khal Drago's Own Brand of Peanuts'. It had a picture of Khal Drago with two thumbs up on the front, and, conveniently enough, a map from Westeros to Essos on the back! Oh shit son!

Podrick started rushing to the guys to alert them of the good news, but then, all of a sudden, The Mountain came round the corner! It turns out that he got done in for animal cruelty (more specifically, violating Rule 33-i: decapitating an equine without just cause), and thus had to do community service at ESSO (which is in fact not Essos, but a petrol station of a similar name). (DO YOU GET THE JOKE YET). The Mountain approached Podrick and said 'Can I offer you any assistance? What is it that you're looking for?' Podrick's mind went to say peanuts, but Syrio's gay tendencies had rubbed off on his subconscious, causing him to instead blurt out 'penis'. The Mountain, being a closet homosexual, understood this outburst completely, and thus initiated a ten-minute conversation regarding the complexities of penis with Podrick. Podrick would have wanted to avoid this scenario if at all possible.

MEANWHILE

Tyrion was wandering around in the donut aisle, but his cumbersome pig hand had knocked some donuts off the shelf! Imagine in the shitty summer comedy films like 'Grown Ups', where all the comedy revolves around stupid people doing stupid things, and that was basically what just happened to Tyrion. Now perhaps add a comedy-relief character who is also a trained domesticated animal putting its paws over its eyes for added comedic effect. But there was no domesticated animal. Only Tyrion's embarrassment. And also a pig.

Tyrion was just wondering why the fuck Westeros would need a fucking petrol station when a member of staff came round the corner to inspect the noise. It turns out that the member of staff was none other than Cersei Lannister, who had awoken from her killer hibernation coma nap thing to realise that being Queen Reagent was a totes saddening job to do, on account that the council insisted that they left Banofee's dead body on the table during dinner, and thus joined the petrol station ESSO for a change of scenery and access to donuts and peanuts and shit. (In case you were wondering, Ser Pounce's sister Ledy Pounce was currently standing in as temporary Queen Reagent, and has yet to order any unnecessary deaths (apart from those dastardly mice), thus already proving herself to be a far more likeable Queen Reagent than Cersei).

'Tyrion, what are you doing here?!' she exclaimed. 'You killed our loved Banoffee, I'll shank you right the fuck up bruh!'

However, our hero had a plan! For he turned around, quickly constructed a fake moustache out of some nearby donut, and turned back to face Cersei. 'Who is this Tyrion you speak of? It is I, Myrion Pigpunch, barbarian extraordinaire and legionnaire of Harrenhal! How do you do, m'lady?'

The pig started eating the moustache that had been smashed into Tyrion's face, but due to the fact that Cersei is a complete fucking idiot, she didn't seem to notice. She then wandered off to go mourn some more. Cor, what a Debbie Downer.

MEAN THE FUCK WHILE

Bronn was threatening to bash Ser Pounce with a chicken leg if he didn't give him the winning lottery numbers when he turned around to witness The Mountain chatting up Podrick. Bronn's immediate reaction was to laugh, but he then saw that Podrick was holding a packet of Khal Drago's Own Brand of Peanuts. And he was all like 'HOLY SHIT ON A STICK, GOTTA GET ME SOME OF THEM. FUCKIN' LOVE THOSE PEANUTS! BUT OH NO! PODRICK HAS THE LAST PACK! I BET THAT THE MOUNTAIN IS TRYING TO STEAL THE PACKET FOR HIMSELF BY WOO-ING PODRICK WITH HIS MASTERFUL ROMANCE SKILLS. AND I WON'T LET THAT HAPPEN!'

And thus Bronn bursts into the fray, clobbers The Mountain with a chicken leg with the force of a thousand suns, and swipes the packet of peanuts from Podrick's grasp. Podrick attempts to explain to Bronn that there's a convenient map on the back, but his mind has been corrupted with nothing but cock, and so he merely gibbers slightly to himself.

Luckily, Tyrion arrives just in time to notice, resolve the issue, and get everything in order. He is then praised as a hero in Podrick's place.

As they run out the door towards Essos, leaving a wrecked shop, Ser Pounce bids them farewell.

OH SHIT, WE FORGOT THE BABY WHITE WALKER NURSERY. SORRY FRANDS, WE'LL DO IT NEXT CHAPTER MAYBE. FURTHER MEDIOCRACY AWAITS.


	5. Chapter 5 - OLAF'S ARRIVAL

CHAPTER 5 - REVENGE OF THE FIFTH

CHECK OUT OUR HILARIOUS TITLE

SO

Tyrion, Bronn and Podrick were just walking through the Westeros, and Bronn was eating peanuts. Khal Drago's Own Brand of Peanuts, mind. Because, y'know, map of Essos. Important plot device yo.

But oh shit, we can't have the story resolved too quickly, lest it ends before we've exhausted all potential fucky-abouty bullshit that could occur. So Bronn finishes the peanuts, but a sudden gust of wind from a nearby windmill (accompanied by the excited gasp of an amazed Ygritte) blew the packet of Khal Drago's Own Brand of Peanuts (which were only available at ESSO the petrol garage) (for you however the fuck many American viewers, 'gas station') right the fuck out of Bronn's hands! And it landed right the fuck in a nearby swamp man lake of swamps! Oh the fuck no! What are the chances of the incredibly important map of plot resolution landing in a nearby swamp man lake of swamps? Pretty fucking high, apparently! (If it's any consolation to those weeping about this dramatic loss of plot resolution, it was used by the swamp men to establish new trading routes to boost their economy. So that's nice.)

BUT THE THING IS

The trio totally needed that fucking map! So they were forced to follow the swamp man lake of swamps to find their way to Essos.

It was at this point when a vicious army of field mice defending the newly established trading routes of the swamp men arrived to say 'Nah mate, don't cross this here metaphorical line. That'd be like totes bad.'

Unfortunately, not all animals can speak English in this universe. Apparently it's not as Narnia as we first thought. It's more Westeros-y, I guess.

So whilst the trio were scratching their heads in confusion…

BOOM MOTHERFUCKERS!

MOTHERFUCKIN' PRINCE OBERON ROCKS UP IN 'OBERON'S MOVING BROTHEL'

WHICH IS LIKE HOWL'S MOVING CASTLE EXCEPT IT'S A BROTHEL

ON LEGS, BITCH

AND WITH HELLA HARLOTS

AND PERHAPS EVEN A HAPPY DANCING BEAR OR TWO

BUT THAT'S UNRELATED

AND THEN OBERON'S ALL LIKE

FUCKIN' BOOOOOOM

ALL UP IN DEM MOUSES' GRILLS

AND THEY'S ALL LIKE 'YOOOO WHAAAAAAAAT'

BUT THEN THEY GET SQUASHED THE FUCK UP

BITCH.

(Editor's Note: To anyone paying attention to continuity, you will see that this story is still set between episodes 2 and 3, and you may be thinking why Prince Oberon has a relationship with Tyrion and a large moving brothel. However, I think that you need to pay more attention when watching Game of Thrones, as you can clearly see in Episode 2 of Season 4 that Oberon whips out his moving brothel car keys, high fives Tyrion, and flies away on a jet ski. It must have been lost on some people. I guess it's similar to how people don't notice how Ned Stark is constantly abusing seals throughout season 1. You see, if you look closely in the audience for his execution, you can see how the majority of the audience have seal faces. It was really important in the books, I don't see how people haven't noticed it.)

OK

SO

Oberon has totally murdered an army of field mice. 'Come on fraands, we need to get aout of heeaar!' he shouts. 'We need to go aynd saahve thee cheedlren!'

'But what about getting our asses to Braavos?' queries Podrick, before realising that Tyrion and Bronn had already gotten onto the giant brothel, and that any previous objectives are now pretty much moot when faced with the choice of progression or pussy.

Fortunately, Tyrion remained loyal to his beloved wife Sansuu and his hoe Shae. (Editor's Note: Having been written after the release of episode 6, we can now confirm that Shae is the biggest bitch in all of Westeros. I mean like shit son. She just like, totally did that one thing, and we were all like 'WHOOOAAAAAH', and I was kinda suspicious of her beforehand because her nose didn't look quite right on her face, and she was in a porn this one time which I watched at like one in the morning after someone sent it to me and I was all like 'lolwut', BUT NOW SHE DID THE THING WHICH WAS RELATIVELY BAD AND THEREFORE I CAN CONCLUDE THAT MY DEDUCTIONS WERE RIGHT. FEEL FREE TO USE THIS JUSTIFICATION IN YOUR REAL LIFE TROUBLES: BIG NOSE + PORN STAR = TOTES UNTRUSTWORTHY).

BUT ANY FUCKING WAY

They're totally chilling on this brothel, right. And everyone's doing the frick frack, apart from Tyrion (who's obviously a total nerd, lel). It was at this point, looking around and seeing Prince Oberon having a grape battle with a sexy porcupine, that he remembered his best friend Cuthbert when he was training to become a Punslinger in Gilead. Cuthbert was often known to juggle with the limbs of plastic babies, but Tyrion thought of this as inhumane, as he was an activist for the rights of plastic babies. And so he grew to hate Cuthbert as an advocate for all that is bad in the world. But then he fell down a flight of stairs whilst being chased by a rogue turkey, and Tyrion had no remorse as he looked over Cuthbert's body and laughed maniacally.

It was at this stage when Tyrion remembered his training in the art of firing puns, and he felt rejuvenated as the puns pumped through him.

MEAN THE FUCK WHILE

Podrick was asking Oberon where they were going, in-between puffs of dat dank purple kush.

'Mai fraand, we need to goh to thee nursery and saahve thee cheeldren from thee incahmeeng meeteeohr straaaiiikkkeee!'

Podrick chose to ignore the fact that Prince Oberon's dialogue was becoming more over-exaggerated as the story progressed (on account of the writer getting fucking bored), and instead decided to process the information in order to continue the conversation.

'A meteor strike?! By golly gosh, how will we manage to get rid of that and then get back to Braavos before the pig engulfs Tyrion's arm?! It sure does seem like we've got a whole load of convoluted plot points going on!'

Prince Oberon shrugged. 'Faak knohws, mai fraand. Perhaahps eef you beleevee een Chreestmaahs cheehr?'

Suddenly Podrick realised. He wasn't just a plucky squire with Syrio Forel's ghost inside his hippocampus (who was currently singing 'YMCA' repeatedly); he was the spirit of Christmas.

BUT WHEN WILL THIS COME IN HANDY?

AND WHEN ARE WE GOING TO CARE ENOUGH TO JUSTIFY HOW A SPIRIT IS INSIDE ANOTHER SPIRIT?

FUCK KNOWS!

MEAN THE FUCKING FUCK WHILE

BACK IN KING'S LANDING

The decapitated head of Ned Stark opened its eyes once more. He had been brought back to life by unseen mojo magicks (which was probably caused by a super spooky skellington in a top hat sitting in a dark tower far far away), but he couldn't alert anyone of this fact on account of him having no vocal chords. He unhooked himself using SHEER WILLPOWER and rolled along the pathway, looking for a seal to clobber the everlasting shit out of. (Hey, don't get assy with me just because you're a seal rights activist and Ned Stark just happens to have something against seals. Don't shoot the messenger, lest you not get any more messages. You cheeky fuckwad.)

BUT THEN

FUCKING LITTLEFINGER COMES AROUND THE CORNER

AND HIS SIDEKICK, IGOR, COMES AROUND THE CORNER TOO

AND THEY'RE TOTALLY PLOTTING SOME SUPER SNEAKY DEAKY BULLSHIT

PERHAPS REGARDING TAKING OVER THE WORLD PINKY AND THE BRAIN STYLE

BUT THEN THEY SEE THE DECAPITATED HEAD OF NED STARK ROLLING AROUND AND BUMPING INTO WALLS AND SHIT

AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE 'WHAT IS THIS WE HAVE DISCOVERED? LET US STEAL IT AND ABUSE ITS DARK MOJO POWER! IT IS MOST CERTAINLY EVIL, SO WE CAN GET SOME USE OUT OF IT BECAUSE OF THAT! NWEHEHEHEHE!'

AND SO THEY SWIPE HIM RIGHT THE FUCK UP

AND THEY JUMP ONTO THEIR DARK FOREBODING HORSES

AND TRAVEL AWAY INTO THE NIGHT

PERHAPS TO HAVE A CONSULTATION MEETING WITH JAFAR

BUT

FUCKING

THEN

I GOT BORED OF WRITING

SO LIKE, NEXT EPISODE

SHIT WILL HAPPEN

INVOLVING METEOR STRIKES

WHITE WALKER NURSERIES (THANK FUCKING SHIT)

THE TRUTH BEHIND NED STARK'S HATRED FOR SEALS

AND PERHAPS

JUST PERHAPS

WE'LL HERE MORE ABOUT THOSE TRADING ROUTES

AND EXPECT NUMEROUS SHITTY PUNS

MEDIOCRACY CREW, OUT.


	6. Chapter 6 - OLAF DECEASED?

CHAPTER 6

MAYBE SHIT WILL BECOME RELEVANT NOW

(SPOILERS: IT WON'T).

BUT ALSO, WE'LL FUCK ABOUT WITH NAMES IN A WAY THAT WE THINK IS FUNNY, BUT YOU MAY NOT

YOUR CHOICE DUDE

SO

There's a dramatic chase scene going across the fields of… wherever the Moving Brothel is right now. I mean they've gone from King's Landing to the direction of Essos, and now they're going back up north for some convoluted reason. But it's just a field. Don't expect shit out of us man.

But the Moving Brothel is being chased. By what you ask?

Why, it's the fabled nazis! MEDIEVAL nazis, that is!

Remember those guys from Chapter 2?

What even happened to them?

Well I don't even fucking know.

BUT APPARENTLY

The medieval nazis had access to their own range of pseudo-futuristic moving buildings at their command, back in their nazi base in Nazi Co.

MEDIEVAL Nazi Co.

But basically, upon realising that they're naturally antagonistic by nature on account of them being nasty nazis and all, they decided that they wouldn't stand for… whatever happened in Chapter 2.

I forget.

Oh wait, Bronn shot them… with a crossbow, mind.

I think.

So they have a personal vendetta against everyone's favourite trio. Or like, a four. Or maybe even a five if you count the pig.

And then like 25 if you count the hookers.

And forty more if you count the dancing bears.

Oberon really went overboard with the dancing bears. You'd have thought he'd have set up a menagerie instead of a brothel, but, y'know, I'm not judging.

Some of my best friends have Moving Brothels filled with more dancing animals than there are harlots.

I don't know how I came to meet with such people. Probably Omegle. Or Craigslist.

OH SHIT, WE GOT SIDETRACKED DOING AN EXPOSITION DUMP/BULLSHITTING PARAGRAPH

COCK, GET BACK TO THE STORY

So, in the cabin/cockpit/whatever the fuck of the moving brothel (sometimes I'm not sure whether I should capitalise 'Moving Brothel' as if it's a proper noun, but then again, I don't give enough shits), shit's going down. Commands are being yelled by Oberon (although I shan't say what he says, because that would require more over-the-top dialogue. But rest assured, he was probably saying 'FRAAAAAAAND' a fair bit. Oberon? More like… Ober-The-Top-On.)

But anyway, the dancing bears are no longer dancing. They're manning the cannons! The… brothel cannons! Yeah! They shoot, like, dildoes or some shit. I dunno. (Fun Fact: my autocorrect changes 'dildoes' to 'diodes', so if you want to imagine parts of a simple secondary school circuit being fired out of a mini gun installed into the side of a giant steampunk moving robot hydraulicly-powered sex business at an army of nazis then be my fucking guest.)

But the bears are still dancing whilst they're firing the cannons, so don't you worry your lil butt. Don't pay attention to when I said that they weren't dancing. I lied. Or maybe I didn't, maybe what I'm saying now is a lie. It's up for the reader to decide. Kinda like those 'choose your own adventure' books, which I could never get into because whenever I fucked up I'd just say 'FUCK, SHIT, NOPE' and then change the decision I made, so really it was biased from the start from not including a failsafe mechanism to stop such occurrences. Like corporal punishment if you turned back the page too many times or some shit.

WAIT, SHIT. BACK AGAIN.

But also, Tyrion vomited out of a window. Shit was jokes, Bronn was totes laughing. What Bronn didn't know is that this sick contaminated a river environment, which in turn inevitably caused the extinction of some deer. The other deer species attended the respected funerals, until the funeral home and crematorium for deer was squashed by the nazis. So it turns out, shit was not jokes. Shame on you for laughing Bronn. You shit.

On a more light hearted note, Tyrion, Master of Puns, probably made a joke involving vomit and Nazis. Something like 'There's some sick-grigation' going on right now. The pig may have also snorted accordingly.

Also, Podrick did… something. Syrio did some shit too, which caused many spooky occurrences that went unnoticed due to the fucking nazis and explosions and shit. (MEDIEVAL NAZIS, AND MEDIEVAL EXPLOSIONS, MIND. THEY WERE GREEN AND SHIT. THE EXPLOSIONS, NOT THE NAZIS. ALTHOUGH MAYBE THEY WERE ALSO GREEN, WHO KNOWS. YOU DECIDE).

MEAN THE FUCKING DICKWEED WHILE

Jafar, popular villain from such masterpieces as 'Aladdin', 'Aladdin: The Return of Jafar', 'Aladdin and The Forty Thieves', and 'Sluts On A Bus 9', was doing some sinister shit whilst Eddard Stark looked on in dismay. Said sinister/spooky shit also included a brief discussion between Peeta Baelish and Jaffar Cake regarding how totes sinister it would be to snog Sansoo Stork.

Eddard, out of the corner of his ear, could hear them discussing their schemes…

'… Ah dude, you could totally push your wife out of a moon door! Shit would be cray!'

'Dude, that's fuckin' rad! But also, what should we do with this here decapitated and yet sentient head of Eddy Stock-Cube?'

And so Jafar told his plan to Potpie, which was… to use Peddie's brainwaves to power his machine, which would activate the 'fuck-everything-up' function hidden in the minds of the mechanised harlots positioned in Oberon's Moving Brothel/Menagerie, who would then in turn fuck everything up for the baby white walker nursery!

(Yeah, white walkers are the good guys in this. I mean, you can't exactly argue against it, they don't speak English. We don't know what they're saying; they could be thinking happy thoughts. That's why I've never trusted Chewbacca. Evil son of a whore, concealing his angry emotions through use of gurgling. Cor, what a fedge.)

Penis (10/10 comedy right here) is impressed with this plan, and commends it by having some sort of evil cackling period with Jafar. Eddard looks on angrily, eyes peeled for any nearby seals.

(We lied about you learning his motifs for hating seals. Or at least, we lied for now. DRAMATIC TENSION INTENSIFIES)

'But Giraffe, how will you harness the power of Eddard's brainwaves?' asked Penguin once the cackling had subsided.

'We shall use…' said Jammy Dodger, before pausing dramatically… 'THE PURPLE KUSH!'

GASPS WERE ENSUED BY EVERYONE

BUT ALSO

THE TRADING ROUTES WERE GOING SMOOTHLY, DUE IN COURSE TO THE RAPIDLY RISING SOFA ECONOMY

OK, BACK TO THE BORING SHIT ABOUT THE NAZIS AND EXPLOSIONS AND SHIT

So anyway, the brothel was trampling with high velocity towards the wall. It was in sight!

Podrick looked towards Oberon with sudden terror.

'Oberon, how are we gon' get over the wall?!' he exclaimed.

Oberon didn't respond. He was too busy shouting 'FRAAAAAANDS' at the top of his lungs. The bears had joined in with a cacophonous din, and the stereo playing 'Running In The 90s' blared rather loudly. So I guess Oberon's ignorance was called for in this scenario.

But in answer to Podrick's question, there was a huge ass explosion. (Not an 'ass-explosion' that'd be disgusting. Although Tyrion did have a rather guilty look on his face, and Bronn must have been laughing at something.)

BUT DUDE

THIS EXPLOSION, RIGHT

BLASTED THEM RIGHT THE FUCK OVER THE WALL

I MEAN, WHO KNOWS HOW MANY WILDLINGS THEY'D KILLED AS COLLATERAL

NOT THAT IT MATTERS, OF COURSE

FUCK COLLATERAL DAMAGE

ALSO, THE NAZIS COULDNT GET OVER THE WALL

SO THE TRI- QUA- WHATEVER THE FUCK WERE SAFE… FOR NOOOWWWWWWWWW

(AMBIGUITY AND VAGUENESS INTENSIFY SO AS TO EMPHASISE THE DRAMA)

BUT THEN, LUCKILY

THEY REALISED THAT THEY HAD LANDED…

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NURSERY

OH SHIT SON

ALSO, PODRICK SHAT OUT A CHRISTMAS TREE.

BUT THAT'S UNRELATED.

NEXT TIME ON WHATEVER THE FUCK THIS IS

(THIS HAS GOTTEN WAY THE FUCK OUT OF CONTROL)

PREPARE TO HAVE YOUR HEARTSTRINGS ANALLY VIOLATED AS WE LEARN OF THE SOUL-WRENCHING STORY OF THOMAS, A SMALL BEAR WITH BIG PLUMBER-RELATED ASPIRATIONS

ALSO ALL THAT OTHER SHIT

AND, I DUNNO, MORE INCORRECT NAMES

SUBSTANTIALLY MORE DUMB PUNS (AS THERE WAS ONLY ONE OR TWO HERE)

AND ALSO TRADING ROUTES

MEDIOCRACY CREW AWAAYYY


	7. Chapter 7 - THE DAWNING OF THOMAS

CHAPTER 7

PERHAPS SHIT WILL GET DONE

WHO THE FUCK KNOWS

ALSO THOMAS

So when we left off, shit was at an all-time high for the bros, as shit was finally getting done. They'd made it to their location via an incredibly unorthodox method of 'being exploded the fuck over the Wall', which could have gone wrong in a shit tonne of ways except it didn't, and they landed exactly where there needed to be. Jinkies.

It was at this point when a head emerged from the wreckage of the Moving Brothel. It was the head of Thomas, and thus the head was that of a bear. Although Thomas was brought up to follow the family business of dancing, he knew deep down in his heart that he wanted to fix piping and deal with plumbing-related antics. He envisioned himself wearing overalls and a baseball cap, holding onto a wrench and overcharging old women for his services. He imagined that with such a job, he could live out his generic bear antics of getting covered in shit, except he'd get paid for it. A life of glamour and ostentatiousness seemed appealing to his peers, but it just wasn't for Thomas.

And as he looked around at the wreckage of the Moving Brothel, he thought to himself, 'Has it come to an end? Has the oppressive structure fallen, thus symbolising an end to my endless entrapment? Have my dancing duties died alongside this brothel, and can I now pursue what I was meant to do with my life? Can I finally start living?'

Then Tyrion pops out of the wreckage. 'Can I put a… PAWS to your monologue? I just can't… BEAR it any longer!' Then he high fives Bronn and Thomas gets slammed the fuck down by a falling piece of shrapnel.

Rip.

When Tyrion was mentioning giving Thomas a proper 'bear-ial', Oberon bursts the fuck out of the rubble and shouts out 'FRAANDS! WE ARE HERE!' And here they were! 'Here' being the White Walker nursery! Because it had white walkers in it! (Should I capitalise 'white walkers' or not? Eh, fuck it. I'll alternate, because variety is the spice of life and the condiments of shitty fan fictions).

Max, the white walker nursery leader, comes out of the doors. Max is named Max on account of him looking like Max from The Tweenies. Except not a gaudy pink colour.

'Greetings!' he exclaims. 'I am Max, and I run this shit. How's it hangin'?'

'Aight' responded Bronn. 'We's looking' to help y'all with yo shit.'

'Ah hell naw' responded Max. 'Y'all gotta pass these here tests first.'

'But brah' interjected Podrick, clutching a Christmas tree. 'Y'all got a meteor strike incomin'. What kinda tests y'all got that can prepare us for that there shit?'

'We's very pedantic bout our meteor strikes' Max says knowledgeably. 'Now here's the first task.'

MEANWHILE

IN THE 2SPOOKY DARK TOWER SOMEWHERE IN MORDOR

JaffJaff and Peeta are blazin' it. Purple smoke filled the tiny room, and JaffJaff and Peeta giggled at themselves.

Eddard's seal-induced rage was slowly being numbed my the mind-altering aromas of the purple kush. It intercepted his thoughts and replaced feelings of wrath with feelings of chilled-out-ness. And as Eddard became more and more chill, the lil' pylons on either side of him began to sizzle from the powers of his thought wavelengths. Shit's real sciency all up in here.

But these here sizzling pylons convert energy into electrical forces, which in turn power up some monitors. (Don't question how the fuck they have this level of technology in fuckin' medieval land; just assume that they're taking advantage of the all-powerful force that overrides any logic; the suspension of disbelief. Either that or there's just a shit load of cables and that everywhere. Could be a dangerous working environment, so let's hope that Jafar or Petyr don't slip and hurt themselves). And these monitors in turn activate the evil-functions in the brains of them there harlots of the late Moving Brothel! Oh shit son!

SO RIGHT AT THIS VERY MOMENT

RIGHT THE FUCK BACK AT THE WHITE WALKER NURSERY

THE HARLOTS START WAKING THE FUCK UP

WITH LIKE, SUPER EVIL RED EYES OR SOME SHIT

OH FUCK DUDE, GET YOUR ASSES READY FOR A BEATIN'

BUT THEN

WHOOSH

BANG

KAZAAM

KAPOOSH

MOTHAFUCKIN' PODRICK WITH HIS DANK ASS CHRISTMAS TREE BURSTS INTO THE FUCKING FRAY

AND DOES THIS FANCY-ASS DANCE ROUTINE/FIGHTING STYLE

AND USES THE CHRISTMAS TREE AS A LANCE OR SOME SHIT

AND THEM POKEY LIL PINE NEEDLES TOTES IRRITATE THE HARLOTS

AND THEY'RE ALL LIKE 'AH SHIT DUDE, NOT PINE NEEDLES'

'THEY'LL TOTALLY MAKE MY LIVING ROOM A MESS'

'AND IF MY DOG EATS THEM IT COULD MAKE THEM ILL'

AND SO THEY LEAVE/GET BEATEN THE FUCK UP/TAKE THEIR DOGS TO THE VET ON ACCOUNT OF THE DOGS HAVING JUST EATEN PINE NEEDLES FROM PODRICK'S TREE

AND THEN TYRION SAYS 'YOU'VE BEEN SAINT NICK-ED'

AND EVERYONE HAS LAUGHS AND JOKES

AND COMPLETELY FORGETS ABOUT WHATEVER THE FUCK PODRICK JUST DID

BECAUSE HE DIDNT HAVE A FUNNY JOKE TO SAY AFTERWARDS

SO SHIT

MEAN THE FUCKITY COCKBAG WHILE

Peeta has totally slipped on a loose cable and hurt his head! Oh shit!

Jafar gallops over to him, and using his finely attuned WebMD skills concludes that Peeta has contracted floor cancer. Floor cancer is a pretty bad type of cancer; it's no laughing matter, I'll tell you what. And so Jafar concludes that he needs to replace his turban with a beanie hat, buy an RV, cruise to somewhere in Essos and go and cook crystal meth with Peeta so as to donate towards Igor's college funds. (Fun fact: Igor is currently at college, no doubt studying some evil shit). And so Jafar ties a balloon around Eddard's head so that he can accompany them, and the three of them bumble away off to the RV shop that is apparently in Mordor or some shit.

BUT ALSO

BACK AT THE NURSERY

Max is all like 'Okay, that was pretty cool, but y'all still gotta do some tests or some shit.'

But then Tyrion raises his pig hand (somehow) and yells 'I DEMAND A TRIAL BY COMBAT!'

And Max is all like 'Well, okay, since you asked so politely. We only have babies as opponents, so y'know, you ain't gonna struggle too badly. Who's your champion?'

Tyrion looks expectedly at Bronn, but Bronn shakes his head. 'Sorry man' he replies, a tear in his eye. 'I can't face such a strong opponent. I know my limits.'

So, of course, Podrick's forced into it. Because fuck it. And Podrick totally kicks a baby into the horizon. He feels very sad about it afterwards. But luckily the baby were later found by the swamp men, who sold the baby to pay for a new trading route for importing futons.

(In case you were wondering (and I know that you are, seeing as this is the most important part of the story), the trading routes, whilst temporarily put out of commission when a large crate of croutons fell into the river, is now working with great efficiency, and the crouton catastrophe was resolved when most of the produce was recovered from the river).

But hey, the trio had totally passed the trial! Horray.

EXCEPT NOT HORRAY

BECAUSE YOU REMEMBER THAT METEOR THAT HAS BEEN BIGGED UP FOR THE PAST HOWEVER LONG

WELL

ITS TOTALLY HERE

OH FUCKIN SHIT DUDE

WHAT WILL THE TRIO FUCKING DO

AND HOW WILL HEISENFINGER'S METH LABORATORY GO DOWN?

AND WHAT ABOUT ROCKHEAD RUMPLE?

BUT ALSO, NEW GAME OF THRONES TOMORROW

LIKE, ACTUAL GAME OF THRONES

NOT THIS SHIT

SO PREPANUS YOUR ANUS

TEAM MEDIOCRACY IS BLASTING OFF AGAIN

BUT IN A MEDIOCRE FASHION


	8. Chapter 8 - A LONG ASS CHAPTER

CHAPTER 8 - THE CHAPTER THAT WAS POSSIBLY A WEEK LATE BUT SSSHH

SO, SOME SHIT WAS GOING DOWN, NAMELY THAT WE HAD A SUDDEN CASE OF 'CANNOT BE ASSED' SYNDROME

WE'RE DOING THIS FOR YOU, 'IEATVAMPIRESFORBREAKFAST'

YOUR REVIEWS KEEP US GOING

IT ACTS AS OUR SUSTENANCE

YOU EAT VAMPIRES, BUT WE FEAST ON THE GOODWILL OF OTHERS

AIGHT

SO

WE FORGOT WHAT HAPPENED LAST WEEK

OR LIKE, TWO WEEKS AGO

SO YOU'LL NEED A REMINDER TOO

1) FUCKIN' METEORS

2) FUCKIN' METH

3) FUCKIN' FUCK

AIGHT, COO.

LET'S BOO BOO.

(Also, disclaimer, there'll be rampant changing between 'meteor' and 'meteorite', because I'm a fucking idiot. But let's just assume that the meteor/ite was the size of a … Mountain, and you can choose the correct term for yourself. Because I don't want to.)

So, last thing we saw, there was a giant meteor headed for Westeros. More precisely, the White Walker Nursery. And as people know, meteors rarely herald anything good, on account of them being big clumps of space rock on fire and shit.

However, Tyrion and Pals were not aware of the logistics of meteorites; i.e. the fact that meteorites usually aren't sentient. They're rocks. Tyrion had the marvellous idea to challenge the meteorite to a trial by combat! Because that usually works well, and it's not like they could do anything else.

Tyrion flew into the sky, propelled by the suspension of disbelief. And he yelled at the meteorite 'I DEMAND TRIAL BY COMBAT, YOU OPPRESSIVE SON OF A BITCH!'

And the meteorite was all like 'YO, WHAAT?'

And Tyrion was all like 'Y'all just oppressing me coz I'm a dwarf, yo.'

And the meteorite was all like 'Nuh-uh.'

And Tyrion was all like 'Yeah mate, I've been on trial my entire life.'

And the meteorite was all like 'You are not on trial for being a dwarf, you're on trial for having this here land, currently undamaged by meteorites.'

And Tyrion was all like 'Fuck you, don't be a dickhead. Lemme fight you, ya dickhead.'

And the meteorite was all like 'Oh fine, fuck you.'

AND SO

IT WAS DECIDED BY THE FATE GODS OF… FATE

THAT TYRION AND CO'S FATE WOULD BE DECIDED BY TRIAL BY KOMBAT

THE METEORITE LANDED SOFTLY ON THE GROUND, AND IT WAS AROUND THIS POINT THAT EVERYONE POINTED OUT THAT THE METEORITE WAS AROUND THE SIZE OF A… MOUNTAIN. (I WOULD HAVE CAPITALISED 'MOUNTAIN' AS IT IS, IN THIS CASE, A PROPER NOUN, BUT EVERYTHING IS CAPITALISED HERE AND HAVING 'mOUNTAIN' JUST WOULDN'T LOOK, RIGHT NOW WOULD IT?)

AND THEN

ALL OF A SUDDEN

THE METEORITE REVEALED HIMSELF TO BE NONE OTHER THAN… THE mOUNTAIN!

FREE FROM HIS COMMUNITY SERVICE AT ESSO, THE PETROL STATION!

AND BY 'FREE', WE MEAN HE RAN AWAY FROM SER POUNCE'S CUDDLY REIGN OF CATS AND YARN BALLS AND OTHER CAT-LIKE MATTERS!

AND NOW ROMPING ASS AS A METEORITE!

OH

FUCKING

SHIT

SON!

THERE ARE NOT ENOUGH EXCLAMATION MARKS AVAILABLE FOR THIS HERE SICK PLOT TWIST!

BUT I SHALL TRY!

!

TALK ABOUT FORESHADOWING!

Okay, no more capitalisation, there's some important shit at hand to discuss. Namely the important trading routes. As, unbeknownst to the mud-men running the trading routes, there had been a sudden influx in crystal meth distribution on the market, donated by an unknown supplier!

MUTHAFUCKIN' SEGUE

ALL THE WAY TO A…

Wait, shit, what's the Westeros version of an RV?

A really big tent with wheels?

Or like, a giant horse with a tent on its back?

Oh wait, fuck it. We have mechs in this setting.

So they're sitting in their wheely horse mech in the middle of fuckin' nowhere (except it is somewhere, as it's in Essos), two/three men got to work on cooking the dankest droogies you ever did see/snort.

For it was HEISENFINGER! And his trusted supplier, JAFESSE! And also their snarky seal-hating decapitated head of a much loved character, HEADARD STARK!

'Almost done with this batch, Mr Baelish!' shouted Jafesse, lifting his medieval gas mask. Headard chuckled to himself; life as nothing but a head with not a whole lot to do other than smoke the dankest of kush really put things into perspective for him; seals weren't too prevalent in Essos on account of them all fucking dying in hella hot weather, so he could relax and watch the bubbles do their thang in test tubes all day long.

Peeta rose from his crypt, and looked at the product produced.

'Is aight. Could be more blue, bitches love blue. Yo Headard, can I go and touch up yo daughter at some point?'

'Ayo mann, dun worry bout it.' Headard continued to chuckle; the walls were melting again. He needn't concern himself with such things as a head, though.

'How much more money do we need to pay for Igor's college funds?' asked Jafesse, reminding everyone of what we could perhaps call the overarching plot.

Punching in some numbers on his medieval calculator, Peeta looked up. 'Hella moneys,' he responded.

'Well, how many moneys do we have?'

'Nella moneys.'

Jafesse frowned. Headard chuckled as he proceeded to eat the money.

Suddenly, there was a knock at the door of the thing. Peeta looked up hurriedly.

'Jafesse, answer the door! We can't have people knowing that we're doing the thing that we have yet to specify the legality of!'

So Jafesse wandered to the door and swung it open. Standing there was none other than Deaneries Tarragona! (I couldn't spell her name, so I went with what autocorrect told me it should be. I'll just call her 'Khaleesi', or 'Tits McGee'.)

'Whach y'all doin' in der here?' she asked them, with an intellectual tone.

'Cookin' meths. Sshh though, is top secret.'

The Khaleesi's expression quickly turned to understanding.

'Ah, aight dude, is cool. Yo mahn, hook me up brah.'

So Jafesse hooked her up, brah. And she swaggered the fuck away. Meanwhile, Mr No-Dick Grey Worm raised his head through the window of the mech thing. He stared at them for an hour. They stared back, but with a slightly disconcerted look. Grey Worm descended and slipped quietly in the night (but luckily returned later with a formal apology, where they said 'Is aight, I wanted you to look, brah', and also ate his money. Or at least one of them did. I think it was probably Grey Worm. Cheeki lil fucker.

BUT ALSOOO

Prince Oberyn (HOLY SHIT, I'VE BEEN SPELLING HIS NAME WRONG THIS WHOLE TIME, SOZZ MAHN) is brought forward as the champion, because Bronn was pissing up a tree and Podrick was trying out his new tree costume. Tyrion probably says 'You're barking up the wrong tree', or something to that affect. But also, violence.

I'm hilariously inept at writing anything beyond WHOOSH, KAPOW, BOBOING, so I shall try my very best to emulate the fight scene.

WHOOSH

KAPOW

BABLAM

NO NO NOT THE FACE

OH SHIT SON

CUCRUNCH MUTHAFUCKAAS

But then, there was a 'crinkle crinkle' sound effect, as Oberyn pulled out a sheet of paper. 'Don't worry, frands!' he exclaimed. 'I still have the element of surprise!'

As the Mountain was about to point out that by him exclaiming that he is going to surprise him, the Mountain will not be surprised, Oberyn gives the Mountain THE MIGHTIEST OF PAPER CUTS. With like, some super swingy bullshit, because he has mad dexterity. He'd be hella good at Dark Souls.

But yeah, Mountain falls. Blap. Not dead, because that would compromise the integrity of the story and add in some unnecessary continuity errors (because, of course, this is 100% canon, and shall be until you give us a reason why it isn't, and it shall continue to be canon even when you do give us a reason because fuck you), but hella decommissioned. Like a dead steam engine. Like in 'Thomas the Tank Engine and the Magic Railroad'. Fun fact, one of the authors of this masterpiece (we have thirty) was mentally fucked up by that film, which the other 29 of us find hilarious.

Tyrion realises that his entire life has been building up to this pun. He knows that it has the potential to melt molecules and explode penises with excitement or some shit. If Cort could see him now, he knew that he'd shed a tear. But Cort had a face full of David or some shit. He couldn't NOT use it.

'I guess in this situation… PAPER DID BEAT ROCK.'

Sunglasses immediately formed on both Tyrion and the pig. (Shit, I'd forgotten about the pig, thank you for reminding me employee number 21). A narly golden skateboard and glittery lead guitar spawned in the air, and Tyrion, performing the sickest riff you ever did hear, flew away into the sky. Which didn't really amount to anything.

Meanwhile, on the ground, Stannis Baratheon's army appears right the fuck out of nowhere! Which is strange, because he hasn't got any funding from the Iron Bank of Braavos for transportation, as the Iron Bank has nothing better to do with its money then spend it all on giant ass marble golems and have battles in the port over the last jelly baby, but what the dohickey.

Ser Davos Seaworth arrived onto the scene. Being such a devout follower of Stannis, he had replaced his head with an onion to fulfil his purpose and to never speak ill of Stannis again (and also not speak at all, because his head is a fucking onion). He does some incredibly complicated charades symbols with his hands to bring across the message 'You may have saved the nursery, but WE have Jaime Lannister's golden hand! #stannisislovestannisislife!'

And Tyrion is all like 'OH SHIT, OVERARCHING PLOT POINTS FROM FIVE CHAPTERS AGO! AND ON THAT NOTE, I STILL HAVE A PIG FOR A HAND!'

But by this point, Stannis' army have totally rode the fuck away! Oh bum baskets!

Meanwhile, Bronn and Podrick had an extended game of Rock Paper Scissors. Syrio looked on in interest. (HAHA, I TOTALLY INCLUDED HIM).

Oberyn looks around the scene, and spies on the floor a pamphlet. It had been dropped by Stannis' army! But what did it say?

FIND OUT NEXT WEE-

Ah, fuck it, fuck cliffhangers. It said 'Come to Munich Beer Festival, to get totally wankered! Nilpferd Tintenfass!' As Oberyn was an expert in languages, he knew that these words were German for 'Over in Braavos! Yeah, that's right, Germany from real life is in Braavos, you silly cunts!' Well, that was a rough translation, of course. BUT IT WAS ENOUGH!

And so they… depart? From the White Walker Nursery? What was the point of them coming there? Eh, fuck it, they bring along a White Walker baby for shits 'n' gigs. Because kleptomania is totally acceptable in Westeros. Because, y'know, 'finders keepers.' And Bronn had a pretty big sword, so there's that.

Oh wait, Moving Brothel crashed. (Or maybe it didn't, I don't fuckin' know.)

So, they find some…

What lives in the North?

The Stark family. They do.

But the Stark family aren't very useful for what they need them for.

So they settle for mammoths. All called Troubador.

AND HERE'S THE BIT

WHERE I TALK ALL IN CAPS

FOR NO REAL REASON

(OR MAYBE I'M JUST DRAWING ATTENTION AWAY FROM THE FACT THAT WHAT'S IN CAPS ISN'T REALLY GRAMMATICALLY CORRECT)

ABOUT WHAT AWAITS YOU FOR NEXT EPISODE

SO YEAH

SHIT TO EXPECT INCLUDES:

- PLOT POINTS FROM FUCKING AGES AGO GETTING RESOLVED, MAYBE

- DRINKING

- ME THROWING IN A SHIT TONNE OF RANDOM CHARACTERS FROM THROUGHOUT THE SHOW BECAUSE #FUKKITYOLO

- TRADING ROUTES (DUH)

- MORE REFERENCES TO THE DARK TOWER BOOK SERIES

- MORE PUNS (IF YOU CAN CALL THEM THAT)

- AND POSSIBLY ONIONS

BUT OH WAIT

THIS IS THE PENULTIMATE CHAPTER

SO, ACCORDING TO LAWS OF GAME OF THRONES, THERE'S EITHER GOTTA BE A MASSIVE BATTLE OR A MAJOR DEATH

AND WE KINDA CAN'T KILL ANYONE BECAUSE THIS IS AN OFFICIAL CANONICAL ADVENTURE

AND WE CAN'T GO FUCKIN' WITH THE MYTHOS

BUT Y'KNOW, EXPECT SOME SHIT, AS THE HANDOVER IS COMING TO AN END

…

OH SHIT, THEY NEED TO FIND THE FUCKING HAND STILL

COCK


End file.
